The Leap

Journal - August 10, 2004

It was not like before, it couldn't have been. For the first time, my body was overwhelmed by a feeling of belonging. The closeness awoke a part of me I never knew was there. Her breath against my skin incited feelings never felt before - a tense gut and a heart that seemed ready to leap from my chest. The situation before me presented a precipice, its depths mysterious and unknown - but I was not frightened.

I dove. It was at that moment everything changed. All the years of denial had accumulated, and now seemed nothing more than time lost to the wind. I had reached the threshold, and was no longer strong enough to deny my truth. We kissed with such passion, with such love, and with such an incredible connection that the hours passed us by unnoticed - time for us had stopped.

The kiss ended when the sun rose. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever been a part of, the kind of kiss that warms your chest even long after its over. The kind of kiss words only belittle - the tender touch from ones rediscovered soul mate...

In retrospect, the years that followed were what I would call "threshold expanders." I shared in a type of domestic bliss one rarely comes accross in a lifetime - living with the person you are completely in love with and being a part of something truly special together. The years that followed the first kiss indeed recall fond memories, but also bring along some rather dark times of growing pains in all aspects of my personal development. I experienced love at its maximum, with its mirror opposite lurking around the corner.

I was young, and painfully grew to discover life was steering me away from her. It wasn't a lack of love - that was definitely not the culprit. The reality was that we both wanted different things, and chose different battles to fight. Between the two of us though, she was the bravest for ending it. It had to be done but I would have been too afraid to ever leave her, so the strength in this came from her. She did it for both of us, I truly do believe that. This conclusion, of course, is coming from this distant place I am in now.

Even now though, the thought of that night brings a smile to my face, and I do not regret a thing. I know there are times her thoughts travel to find me as well, and she loves me from that distant path she chose to walk.